girl on fire

creativity, radical self-care, feminism, recovery.

I’m Not Here To Save The World

I am here to save myself.
I am not a superhero.
I cannot do everything.
I give myself permission not to do everything.
I give myself permission not to be everyone.
It is okay to say no.
It is okay to go to bed instead of doing the three dishes that you feel guilty about.
It is okay to be a bit scruffy.
It is okay to go three weeks without makeup.
It is okay to eat things that don’t nourish you.
It is even more okay to eat things that do.
It is okay to have an eating disorder.
It is okay to be in recovery.
It is okay to find recovery a challenge.
It is okay to wake up in the morning, blast Beyoncé as loud as you can and decide that just for today you are the flawless queen of your life.
It is okay to wake up in the morning, blast Beyoncé as loud as you can and find you don’t have the energy to be a flawless queen.
It is okay to make mistakes.
IT IS OKAY TO MAKE MISTAKES.
It is okay to be snappy when you have PMT.
It is okay to feel like the sexiest woman in the world.
It is okay to feel like being sexy is really just way too much hassle.
It is okay to have hairy legs.
It is okay to shave your legs.
It is okay to forget to text your friends for a few days.
It is okay to text your friends every day.
It is okay to call someone you haven’t spoken to for a while and say “Hi! I miss you!”
It is okay to ignore other people’s opinions.
It is okay to judge the blog post you are writing as you are writing it.
It is okay to write a blog post that might not win a Pulitzer.
It is okay to think that you could probably win a Pulitzer if you wrote more.
It is okay that you don’t write more.
It is okay to not always be a feminist.
It is okay to not read the newspapers.
It is okay to read a trashy novel when your head is full to bursting. (I would recommend Valley of the Dolls)
It is okay to take two baths in a day if it means you feel better.
It is okay to be jealous of people.
It is okay to have desires.
It is okay to dream.
It is okay to look in the mirror and think “Yeah, I actually am a bit of alright really”
It is okay to flirt.
It is okay to want children.
It is okay to not want children.
It is okay to change your mind.
It is okay to sing loudly, off-key and with great joy.
It is okay to be a bit selfish.
It is okay to feel old at 24.
It is okay to feel young at 24.
It is still okay to make mistakes.
It is okay to procrastinate.
It is okay to cry.
It is okay to nap on the bus.
It is okay that your favourite hobby is thinking up PhD titles with killer puns in them.
It is okay that University Challenge is your idea of a good time.
It is okay to have a cup of tea.
It is okay that you wish you owned more sensible cardigans.
It is okay to be whoever the fuck you want to be.
It is okay to step up.
It is okay to give yourself permission.
It is okay to breathe.
It is safe.
It is permitted.
You – I – can do all of these things and more.
I can be funny or sad or productive or lazy or messy or tidy or glamourous or happy or weird or normal or introspective or extroverted.
The real, raw, terrifying truth is that I am just as worthy of love however many of these things I do or don’t do. The real, raw, terrifying truth is that in the entire universe there is only one of me, and I wasn’t made to conform or comfort. I was made to be. Sometimes being is a messy business and sometimes it is marvellous and often it is both. Just for today, til I go to sleep tonight, I have total freedom to be me. Whatever that means.

Others May Idle In A Retrogressive Groove

Words are not coming at the great speed they used to, and I don’t like it. 
Write about what you know, they say.
All I really know at the moment is writer’s block. Nobody’s written anything new and original about writer’s block in, oh, a couple of centuries maybe? But that’s okay. Tonight it is enough to tap at the keyboard and see something, anything, appear on the screen. It doesn’t have to be a masterpiece. It doesn’t even have to be finished. I just need to make something. I need something to show you all that I am here, that I still exist. No editing, no backspacing – well, okay, a little bit of backspacing – but no compulsive filtering this time. Just me, here, tapa-tapa-tapping. 

Pennies have been dropping all around me in the last twenty-four hours. That I really am doing okay – nowhere near as bad as I think. I have not been neglecting as many things as I think. I am really good at saying “I am not working or growing or moving or learning”. But let me tell you something: pain is growth. Pain is learning. I’ve had periods in my life where I felt spiritually and emotionally invincible and I learnt jack shit. I learn when my back is against the ropes and I have no other options but changing and growing and adapting. Keeping still is not an option. But here’s what is an option: keeping it in the now. Staying present. Being aware that this call in work that feels eternal will not last forever. Understanding that fear moves through my brain like storm clouds speeding across the night sky: in a few hours, nobody would ever guess what had occurred. It’s okay to be in pain: pain spurs me into action. If I am unhappy I must accept it or change it, and I am not too great at acceptance. So I change. 

Today in work I took my feet out of my shoes and pressed my bare soles to the wet grass outside and thought yes – I am with this earth and of this earth and in this beautiful ‘now’ place.

Tonight I put my hand on my friend’s shoulder and willed all the heat and love and energy in my body to pass through my palm straight to her heart. 

I don’t have to filter anymore, I can be real and raw and show up here, because realness and rawness are engaging and beautiful and scary in a way that makes me want to chase that feeling. So here I am: I am not a ‘great blog post’ machine and I never will be, but just for now, just right here tonight, it’s okay just to give my unfiltered thoughts. I can go back to expecting too much of myself anytime I like but tonight I am happy to be me. 

A Little Snippet

I used to get so drunk I could not feel anything: I did not even feel the glass cutting my feet when I took my shoes off in clubs. To a girl who has always felt like she wears her nerve endings outside her skin, that’s really something. I drank so much that I could wear dresses made mostly of zips and underwires and bare my shoulders to December air and never feel the tightness or the cold. I did funny things, sexy things, stupid things, shameful things, but I never felt any different. I never felt anything. I laughed and shed tears and shouted and kissed and sang but it was all the same to me. The mornings, dear God, in the mornings I felt everything, but the nights? They were mine. Making friends didn’t feel like anything; neither did losing them. All I felt was thirst. Get another round in, make mine a double, I used to want to drink enough to wipe the slate clean. I called it ‘clearing out the cobwebs’, though how that many cobwebs could build up in two days since my clear out remains a mystery to me. I experimented for a while with the best way to get to that clean serene state. The softly-softly approach of large glasses of wine just to cushion myself from harm, then suddenly the third bottle smacking me headlong into oblivion. I remember the gassy sicky feeling of trying to only drink beer because I wanted to be good, and feeling too aware of the fullness of my belly and shouting ohfuckit and buying shots. Spirits were the express route. Playing bartender and pouring the drinks for the girls coming round, swigging out of the bottle in the kitchen with my back turned and lighting a cigarette to cover my vodka breath, all the while making sure my glass held twice as much as theirs. Never overthinking it, just doing it. Days were for thinking, nights were for drinking.

Prompt Me 4: Barefaced.

This week’s prompt was a beautiful quote from Gabourey Sidibe. Iy inspired me to film a video with no makeup, which as you will tell from watching the video I found a fairly difficult experience. Go check out Elloa’s beautiful contribution at http://elloaatkinson.wordpress.com

Prompt Me 3: Thriving

So today is the day when our new Prompt Me videos go live. Between me starting a new job, and Christmas, this has taken a little longer than it usually would. I actually recorded this video on 15.12.2013. I was going to re-record it today but when I watched it I felt that the vulnerability and nerves and unguarded honesty is what makes Prompt Me good, so I figured I would stick with it. This video is basically a tribute to the gorgeous people who have supported me, but it is too short to really thank everyone.

Mum, Dad, Ceri, Claire Barlow, Jemma Barka, Clare Campbell, Elloa Atkinson, Jacquie & Chase Johnston-Lynch, Carla Hennessey, Billy & Mandi RIley, Kim Eaton, Mich, Yvonne Thwaite, Alison Havery, Alex Kershaw, Alex Dale, Sue Gillies, Sue Scullion, Shona Carmen Paisley, Raddy, Simon Dunwoodie, Terry McCoy, Hema Patel, Rhys Owens, Clare Donnelly, Ali Hodson, Linda Lewis, Kitty McRobert, Kate Russell, James West, Rebecca Odman Stonehouse, Emma Craven, Sara, Julia D’Arcy, Sian Witheridge, Karen, Stu Robinson, Maria Gornell, Cheryl Kirk, David Ryan, Jade Kenny, Catherine Mather.

Prompt Me: Walking as Authorship

Elloa Atkinson (http://elloaatkinson.wordpress.com) and I have started a vlogging project where we use a prompt to inspire a weekly conversation between us as loving friends separated by geography. This week’s is about the quote “Writing is one way of making the world our own, and walking is another.” by Geoff Nicholson, from “The Lost Art Of Walking”. I did a video about how I authored my recovery from depression and anxiety by trudging through the city centre of Liverpool feeling generally pretty confused.

Elloa made this beautiful video of the South Downs and her experiences of making the world her own: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iicyCa7u–g

Please watch, like, comment, subscribe and share your thoughts on this week’s prompt.

I’m already excited for next week!

Prompt Me: “Everybody needs a place”

Elloa and I are doing a new project where we make videos responding to prompts. This is my first one. I’m going to let this video speak for itself because I am scared..!

http://elloaatkinson.wordpress.com

more to come

If I am fertile ground
Then every time I write
I use up
All the nourishment I have absorbed

After every piece is done
I need to lie fallow
Wait a while
For inspiration to grow in me again

This is long, slow, sore
I feel stretched, distended
By the work
Of consuming the universe

If I am just a vessel
Then every time I write
I empty
Myself of all beauty

Wait for it again
To come without warning
Take me away
Give me words I haven’t earned.

me reading from my manifesto of healing

Make It Magnificent

Happy Birthday Jon
13th September 1988 – 1st October 2008
I love you x

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